more likely

I just got by this term all of the sudden, "if you want people to appreciate your events, you have to appreciate theirs as well." For few events that I had organized, I didn't, for an inch, appreciate my events. I totally feel like a slut. I mean, I have an issue on commitments (of things, not relationships), that I don't think that I should get attached to something that binds me. But something tells me, I have to appreciate it whether I like it or not (well, at least I meet great people.) I just don't get it why should I do that, I mean, I'm doing it for other people, not for myself. I even only get birthday surprise once in my life, when my friends had to care for each other for this 'osjur' thing (sorry, but it seems you guys appeared to be like that to me, you don't care that much about me, do you? More likely you care for the treats I gave.) So, why do I have to care if the events were not made for me? To be honest, accepting the job to organize events, I just want to get busy, and meet new people, creating networks. Well, deep down, I'd really like to be more....approachable. There are times when I just sit there around so many friends, doing nothing, not running into their conversations that I know well what they're talking about, I just don't feel like talking to them explaining everything. Maybe it's because of my commitment issue, that insists me not to trust anyone whose likely to be around temporarily. My friends are temporarily, that's more like it. My bestfriends....not so much to tell. I believe my friends have issues on trusting me. I don't blame them. I don't trust them that much, why should they? I have to fake my kindness and devotions, just to get their attentions that I'm trying not to be a shit on their faces. But it's not working, I believe so. Even when I'm started to organize events just to get busy with other groups of people, I lose my other groups of friends. So, how am I supposed to appreciate other people's events when they don't even count me as a friend? I'm not a social climber, maybe it is, for myself. I once promised myself that I have to be a strong contender for myself, that no one beats me other than me. And now, you know what? Fuck it. Fuck it that I have social issues, fuck it that I have trust issues, fuck it that I have commitment issues, and fuck it that my friends don't even like me for what I am. I just want to keep my friends as they have always been. I just want to have a lot of real friends who know that when I smile I lose my upper lip, that when I panic I scratch my thumbs, or that I don't even like my major. Funny that I trust my Tumblr friend Tina more than my other friends that I have known more than 4 months. I don't wish for Santa to get me a lot of friends, I just hope they appreciate me so I can appreciate others cause the best teacher is experiences, not darned textbooks. Maybe I'm just exaggerating, or maybe I'm just angry. Good day!

hunch

okay. i just need to spread the words here. i think i have issues on dreaming. it totally feels like somewhat in a psychic movies. i dream about a certain people and of what happen to him/her. and for couple of weeks, it comes true. the creepiest is when i dream of a dying person. i just don't know what to do. i can't just stop them from dying, right? when i was around 15, i dreamed one of my junior high friends, he was walking steadily and then suddenly he screamed in this nosy pitch tone calling out his name and it freaked the hell out of me, woke me up from sleeping. few weeks later, i got the news that that actual friend was hospitalized, traffic accident (luckily, he's alive, and i just wished him a happy birthday yesterday). fiuh. strangely, when i'm not sleeping, i can hear voices calling out certain names, more like soft whispers. so based on that whispers i contacted every names i heard, and it crept me out. each of names got accidents, though it's not really much of a drama (it's more like they fell out of stairs, or hurt their legs, bleeding badly, sort of), still i'm scared. why i'm having these things? and the last scary thing was, 2 weeks before my friend's dad died, his dad appeared in my dream. he showed me that he's my friend's dad by bringing a frame of family portrait. he told me almost everything about my friend and his brother (but i can't remember clearly). he was wearing a hospital suit, like he's been hospitalized for months. the room where i sat down listening to him was off white. i got scared when i woke up. i knew my friend's dad has been hospitalized for a month. i told mom and she said it's just my worries upon my friend. i couldn't tell him my dream. and that's that, it happened. his dad died two weeks later. this scares me so much. i saw this note somewhere, it says "you only dream of what you know". what do i know about all these teary-weepy-yet-psychic-situations? i know none. and that's why i'm scared. three days ago i dreamed myself got a bullet inside my body, exactly under the ribs. i didn't die, and nobody cared enough to help me in the hospital. even the doctors and nurses said i can't be near the hospital. so i just kept holding my wound until i woke up by my morning alarm. and last night, i dreamed of one of my college friends' mom, she wanted to be with me badly that she wanted her son to marry me. i don't know if that woman is my friend's actual mom, but still, i just can't despise my dreams from turning into reality.