more likely

I just got by this term all of the sudden, "if you want people to appreciate your events, you have to appreciate theirs as well." For few events that I had organized, I didn't, for an inch, appreciate my events. I totally feel like a slut. I mean, I have an issue on commitments (of things, not relationships), that I don't think that I should get attached to something that binds me. But something tells me, I have to appreciate it whether I like it or not (well, at least I meet great people.) I just don't get it why should I do that, I mean, I'm doing it for other people, not for myself. I even only get birthday surprise once in my life, when my friends had to care for each other for this 'osjur' thing (sorry, but it seems you guys appeared to be like that to me, you don't care that much about me, do you? More likely you care for the treats I gave.) So, why do I have to care if the events were not made for me? To be honest, accepting the job to organize events, I just want to get busy, and meet new people, creating networks. Well, deep down, I'd really like to be more....approachable. There are times when I just sit there around so many friends, doing nothing, not running into their conversations that I know well what they're talking about, I just don't feel like talking to them explaining everything. Maybe it's because of my commitment issue, that insists me not to trust anyone whose likely to be around temporarily. My friends are temporarily, that's more like it. My bestfriends....not so much to tell. I believe my friends have issues on trusting me. I don't blame them. I don't trust them that much, why should they? I have to fake my kindness and devotions, just to get their attentions that I'm trying not to be a shit on their faces. But it's not working, I believe so. Even when I'm started to organize events just to get busy with other groups of people, I lose my other groups of friends. So, how am I supposed to appreciate other people's events when they don't even count me as a friend? I'm not a social climber, maybe it is, for myself. I once promised myself that I have to be a strong contender for myself, that no one beats me other than me. And now, you know what? Fuck it. Fuck it that I have social issues, fuck it that I have trust issues, fuck it that I have commitment issues, and fuck it that my friends don't even like me for what I am. I just want to keep my friends as they have always been. I just want to have a lot of real friends who know that when I smile I lose my upper lip, that when I panic I scratch my thumbs, or that I don't even like my major. Funny that I trust my Tumblr friend Tina more than my other friends that I have known more than 4 months. I don't wish for Santa to get me a lot of friends, I just hope they appreciate me so I can appreciate others cause the best teacher is experiences, not darned textbooks. Maybe I'm just exaggerating, or maybe I'm just angry. Good day!