Intriguing

For some reason, my mind is so fucked right now, and yet I don't know why I feel weird about this. A lot of things burdens me, or should I say, college burdens me. I know it doesn't sound right, but I just want to skip this part of my life. And to skip this part needs another problem, can I pass this college without being dropped out? I'm not asking, but I have lost my confidence of passing through. Yesterday I browsed job vacancies in Tate Modern and Tate Britain. They had this job of being a curator's assistant and I'm thrilled to read that. Always wanted to be a curator, but I don't have any experiences. It's nice to know that you work for what you like, museum. And this makes me want to stay away from college and just enroll for this vacancy. Not to mention, it's the first fucked up.

The second, I just made an account on deviant art, and.... rather than makes me feel excited, it only makes me feel down. I'm depressed not being able to do what I really can do. I've been taking notes on ideas of sketches, illustrations, paintings, or even just some random doodles. This deviant art account makes me feel that I should have stayed productive for the past few years, but I haven't so I have nothing to be uploaded. Fuck.

One place I can runaway is this journalism class. I love writing and it makes me happy to be put in a class full of people with the same passion. I just started my spaceinks project few days ago. I feel relieved. At least I made its twitter and its (under-construction) blog before I forgot to make my project comes to life, if it turns out that one day I may abandon this project, I have nothing to loose. Currently I'm working on its blog (artworks, logos, etc.), but I'm having a trouble on separating this work from college. I should put college as the first priority because my parents would want my degree and that's probably the only thing they will be proud of. They don't believe I can do stuffs like this. They don't even know I can dance and they always say that artist is just a job for lunatic people, and they think I'm not lunatic enough to do that. I don't hate them, I just don't know how to gain trust from them. And it's the third fuck.

Besides all of these things, I have few happy news this year. I'm going to sell my fuji instax mini and get fuji instax wide hello kitty edition. I literally always scream when I see this cute white thing. Also, I'm going back home to London this June. It's always nice to be home on summer, and it must be full of 2012 Olympiad's ornaments, already sounds crowded (I believe it'll be more crowded than it was when World Cup back in 2010). I'm interested to attend The Queen's birthday again, because there's the new royal family, Kate Middleton! I love London in summer, the people are hectic and the crowds are crazy. I love being home. It's the only thing that can make me survive these four months.

this thought just came across my mind. "have you thought about what you really want in the future?" i had a fight with mom yesterday. my sister always brags that she wants to be a CEO or whatever in a gas company. i can't live like that. there's NO way i can live like that. i think i'm smart enough, and that when i try harder, i can reach my sister's dream. but fuck this. i admit that i dislike studying, in a way that i have to deal with formulas and unsolved problems. genuinely, i love learning things. i'm not that picky, i always make myself useful, learning everything. and IF i have to answer the question, my answer has nothing to do with what i'm studying here right now in college. i want to make and create things. like crafts. i've always been interested in making my own things. it's like magic that my hands make without casting no spell. or if it's not making crafts, then i'll take the chance of being an author. i made myself clear that i, somehow, have to put my overwhelmed imagination on words. hence, i want to write a lot. what makes me sad is that my parents disapprove my wishlist. they say if i wanted to be like that, why did i go to college at the very first time? well, if they realize it, i went to college because of them, driving me. it was like "oh, our daughter has the potential to be an engineer or a scientist in a gas company! she's smart and all, but she has to curb her weird kind of enthusiasm of life, and we must stop her from being an artist!" i don't want to argue, i lost words when i'm in front of them. so, i made a plan. i will finish college. i'm going to be patient for, let's say, 2 years more? and here's the plan: i graduate, give my parents the title i've got (and that i need none of that), and then i'll start doing what i want. i still want to try to be a curator or an art gallery assistant. i want to paint all the blank canvases my parents always keep so i can't paint. i want to go on a trip to sketch and take pictures with all of my cameras. i want to wear softlenses, the thing mom never approves because of her disbelief on my tidiness.

and don't get it wrong. this may sounds like my parents always being bad to me, in spite of all, i love them so much for giving me everything.