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this thought just came across my mind. "have you thought about what you really want in the future?" i had a fight with mom yesterday. my sister always brags that she wants to be a CEO or whatever in a gas company. i can't live like that. there's NO way i can live like that. i think i'm smart enough, and that when i try harder, i can reach my sister's dream. but fuck this. i admit that i dislike studying, in a way that i have to deal with formulas and unsolved problems. genuinely, i love learning things. i'm not that picky, i always make myself useful, learning everything. and IF i have to answer the question, my answer has nothing to do with what i'm studying here right now in college. i want to make and create things. like crafts. i've always been interested in making my own things. it's like magic that my hands make without casting no spell. or if it's not making crafts, then i'll take the chance of being an author. i made myself clear that i, somehow, have to put my overwhelmed imagination on words. hence, i want to write a lot. what makes me sad is that my parents disapprove my wishlist. they say if i wanted to be like that, why did i go to college at the very first time? well, if they realize it, i went to college because of them, driving me. it was like "oh, our daughter has the potential to be an engineer or a scientist in a gas company! she's smart and all, but she has to curb her weird kind of enthusiasm of life, and we must stop her from being an artist!" i don't want to argue, i lost words when i'm in front of them. so, i made a plan. i will finish college. i'm going to be patient for, let's say, 2 years more? and here's the plan: i graduate, give my parents the title i've got (and that i need none of that), and then i'll start doing what i want. i still want to try to be a curator or an art gallery assistant. i want to paint all the blank canvases my parents always keep so i can't paint. i want to go on a trip to sketch and take pictures with all of my cameras. i want to wear softlenses, the thing mom never approves because of her disbelief on my tidiness.

and don't get it wrong. this may sounds like my parents always being bad to me, in spite of all, i love them so much for giving me everything.