in particular

these are all things that bugging my mind recently. i want Givency sweatershirts (pict #1) so bad, the tee looks cool indeed. i've been longed for a holiday of my own. it does not cost too much, all i need is reading books at seasides or bays (pict #2). besides reading, i need to be, let's say, being productive. i wish i can doodle a lot like i used to (pict #3). recently i just went to the zoo spending times with my cameras. and to that, one of my friend brought her lubitel with her and that made me want to have a TLR (pict #4). genuinely i want new a camera, what-so-ever. fortunately my parents are going to japan next week and i want nothing but a new camera. yay to that!

abnormality on foods

i find myself not normal compared to my friends. i dislike chocolates since i ate this weird-tasted chocolate and my tongue felt sticky so my mouth couldn't feel anything and it needed 2 glasses of water to penetrate. i know what happens exactly is not that i hate chocolates, i'm just too scared to eat chocolates. then i realized it was the sugar and the milk that make it sticky, so i just eat pure chocolates, let's say, above 70%. other thing that makes me different is raw foods. i love how raw foods taste on the tongue. i'm a fan of vegetables, so that's one reason to eat raw foods. the second reason, i just love sashimi so much. it tastes like heaven. due to this, i even tried to eat raw meats when i was in this all-you-can-eat restaurant called hanamasa. it wasn't that bad, the raw meats, it tasted pretty. actually, i eat every foods. foods for me only has two tastes, delicious and very delicious weird. but when it comes to sea foods, the rules are different. i'm an ostraconophobic (means phobia to creatures with clams, like oysters, whether it's alive or already on the plate), i'm allergic to crabs and when i eat fish at some period of time, my skin gets so dry and peeled by itself (but this occurs only when i'm taking my hormone pills, pills to make my face less oily). though i have lots of obstacles, i have favourites on sea foods. i like eating sharks, squids, and yellow-tails. it's weird knowing the fact that i used to live in the forest and it was near the beach, like only 3 miles away. people must had had sold sea foods around and yet i nearly can't eat everything. i'm not weird, it's just what people likes and dislikes are different in some way.

i went to the zoo!

this python wasn't even put in the cage. it was lying there on this bench in the middle of the zoo. thank god it was full, it just ate 6 chickens. the trainer said that the snake was about to change its skin.

this little goat is a total cutie. but i didn't get why he's eating peanuts. and i thought goats in the zoo were bathed, turned out it's not. the goats smelled like usual goats' smell.

this is barely a listed animals in the zoo. i found this spider web near the apes' cages. the web was so huge that you can see it with your bare eyes on 3 feet away.

the parrot was really friendly and my friend even thought it was someone's pet and the owner got bored so the parrot was sold to the zoo. the parrot's feathers were very soft i almost wanted to squeeze it.

this amazing peacock was actually attracting the female peacock (but she despised him). i used to think the one who had long tail was the female, turned out it's the male. he was vibrating his feathers and i didn't understand why, i'm bad at biology.

the pelicans were attractively moving here and there as if they're dancing. they were even in the same loop so i saw it like they were one of those rides in theme park. they were cute though.

the last time i went to the zoo was when i was 10 and now i'm nearly 20. all photos were taken by my yashica. for full photostream, click this.

night

night, the beloved.
night, when words fade and things come alive.
when the destructive analysis of day is done,
and all that is truly important becomes whole and sound again.
when man resembles his fragmentary self and grows with the calm of a tree.
there are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

hunch

okay. i just need to spread the words here. i think i have issues on dreaming. it totally feels like somewhat in a psychic movies. i dream about a certain people and of what happen to him/her. and for couple of weeks, it comes true. the creepiest is when i dream of a dying person. i just don't know what to do. i can't just stop them from dying, right? when i was around 15, i dreamed one of my junior high friends, he was walking steadily and then suddenly he screamed in this nosy pitch tone calling out his name and it freaked the hell out of me, woke me up from sleeping. few weeks later, i got the news that that actual friend was hospitalized, traffic accident (luckily, he's alive, and i just wished him a happy birthday yesterday). fiuh. strangely, when i'm not sleeping, i can hear voices calling out certain names, more like soft whispers. so based on that whispers i contacted every names i heard, and it crept me out. each of names got accidents, though it's not really much of a drama (it's more like they fell out of stairs, or hurt their legs, bleeding badly, sort of), still i'm scared. why i'm having these things? and the last scary thing was, 2 weeks before my friend's dad died, his dad appeared in my dream. he showed me that he's my friend's dad by bringing a frame of family portrait. he told me almost everything about my friend and his brother (but i can't remember clearly). he was wearing a hospital suit, like he's been hospitalized for months. the room where i sat down listening to him was off white. i got scared when i woke up. i knew my friend's dad has been hospitalized for a month. i told mom and she said it's just my worries upon my friend. i couldn't tell him my dream. and that's that, it happened. his dad died two weeks later. this scares me so much. i saw this note somewhere, it says "you only dream of what you know". what do i know about all these teary-weepy-yet-psychic-situations? i know none. and that's why i'm scared. three days ago i dreamed myself got a bullet inside my body, exactly under the ribs. i didn't die, and nobody cared enough to help me in the hospital. even the doctors and nurses said i can't be near the hospital. so i just kept holding my wound until i woke up by my morning alarm. and last night, i dreamed of one of my college friends' mom, she wanted to be with me badly that she wanted her son to marry me. i don't know if that woman is my friend's actual mom, but still, i just can't despise my dreams from turning into reality.

whispered

you took me by the hand,
i shivered
the cold had tempted us with passions of unknown
what we felt then was not a misery


i lost your grip,
intentionally
love was never there to cheer
the jeopardy was not mine for ask
i ran and ate the light of guidance,
empty


sought for hunger,
you tried hard to have a grab on me
tricks were managed
but i did not satisfy your unimaginable puzzled mind
and that i intended to sail
not to see you,
not to see the water i have been frightened of,
not to feel,


i ought to be unleashed from gyves i had been wearing

my wishlist

okay, i have too much to ask, i guess i have to put it in line of order so i can figure what to buy first. here it goes:

• Make Up For Ever HD Foundation
• Bobbi Brown Face Touch Up Stick (aaah~)
• Haruki Murakami's "What I Talk About When I Talk About Running" the hard cover edition (the yellow one!)
• Kiko Mizuhara's photobook
• an unlimited amount of films and instax films (mehehehe)
• a new toy camera and i haven't decided what's it gonna be
• a boyfriend nah, forget it
• a pair of light brown clogs
• A NEW PAIR OF PERFECT JEANS (*breathe uneasy*)
• a leather jacket with gray hoods (i found one months ago and MY DAD BOUGHT IT since it had no size on me)
• the perfect tartar sauce like the one they serve in Manhattan Fish Market (sweet lord)
• okay this last one sounds ridiculous, but i want a blender, just for me

so, how do i start *seeking on money*

wonderla-and

damn it, andy warhol!

i was checking my tumblr dashboard and i saw this quote from andy warhol out of nowhere. "as soon as you stop wanting something, you get it." as soon as you STOP wanting. how do i know i have stopped wanting something? i don't have a life-brake or something like that and that i can use it by saying "dear God, i don't want this anymore, can you please stop it?" and then snap, i get it! it's ridiculous. deep down, somehow this quote touched my sensitive part of love (yeah, bring it on). i've been looking for someone all these times and how i want it badly. i'm a person with lack of patience, yes i am. but do we girls really want to wait that long? i mean, who doesn't want someone who always be there for them, ones we can relate to if the world doesn't seem right, or even (as if for me), remind us to take our medicines? i want one! and that i know the fact that that one person will come at the right time, i just want the right time to come faster. by reading the quote, i constantly think that maybe i ought to do it. i'll wait. i'll stop wanting it. damn it, andy warhol!

this thought just came across my mind. "have you thought about what you really want in the future?" i had a fight with mom yesterday. my sister always brags that she wants to be a CEO or whatever in a gas company. i can't live like that. there's NO way i can live like that. i think i'm smart enough, and that when i try harder, i can reach my sister's dream. but fuck this. i admit that i dislike studying, in a way that i have to deal with formulas and unsolved problems. genuinely, i love learning things. i'm not that picky, i always make myself useful, learning everything. and IF i have to answer the question, my answer has nothing to do with what i'm studying here right now in college. i want to make and create things. like crafts. i've always been interested in making my own things. it's like magic that my hands make without casting no spell. or if it's not making crafts, then i'll take the chance of being an author. i made myself clear that i, somehow, have to put my overwhelmed imagination on words. hence, i want to write a lot. what makes me sad is that my parents disapprove my wishlist. they say if i wanted to be like that, why did i go to college at the very first time? well, if they realize it, i went to college because of them, driving me. it was like "oh, our daughter has the potential to be an engineer or a scientist in a gas company! she's smart and all, but she has to curb her weird kind of enthusiasm of life, and we must stop her from being an artist!" i don't want to argue, i lost words when i'm in front of them. so, i made a plan. i will finish college. i'm going to be patient for, let's say, 2 years more? and here's the plan: i graduate, give my parents the title i've got (and that i need none of that), and then i'll start doing what i want. i still want to try to be a curator or an art gallery assistant. i want to paint all the blank canvases my parents always keep so i can't paint. i want to go on a trip to sketch and take pictures with all of my cameras. i want to wear softlenses, the thing mom never approves because of her disbelief on my tidiness.

and don't get it wrong. this may sounds like my parents always being bad to me, in spite of all, i love them so much for giving me everything.

DIY tees!

i've always longed to have business on making DIY stuffs like i've been doing all along. it's like, parts where i can do best. i discovered i can create stuffs since i was in the kindergarten. i made my own barbie from scraps of origami (to hell with that, mom bought me a real barbie soon after). so maybe i can post things i have or people have created or made.


and i felt like making printed tees this morning and i promised a friend to post steps of making your very own tees. so here are the steps:

1. print whatever picture you want to put on the tees.
2. put the paper on the screen, tape it so it won't get loose. note: you have to think which side is the front, cause it'll make the picture/words on the tees go backwards.
3. spread the print ink (not sure what's the name, you can get any colour, whatever. it's slimy and glue-like). the point is to make the paper you put on is stick on to the net of the screen, so the blank part is filled, the picture part is blanked.
4. dry it facing the sun. or hairdryer might help as well.
5. when it's dry, we're ready to make the tees. put on the screen above the tees, backwards. the net is touching the surface of the cloth.
6. paint it with whatever colour you like. if you want to have two-colours tees, you have to make two screens, and it works for the next numbers. to be honest, i still can't make multicolours tees by this method.

so, um, good luck, maybe?